We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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