Where is the hickey?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
