I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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