It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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