The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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