Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
