And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
