Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
