Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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