Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
