my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
