He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
