Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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