The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
