My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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