saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
It's like God shit irony all over that family
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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