hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
