Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Randomize
