2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
