It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
