She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
