I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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