You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
