dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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