you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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