SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Lo siento on account of my penis...
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
