her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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