How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
