You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Randomize
