I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Randomize
