he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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