Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
