So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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