I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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