the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
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