He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
God gave him joint rollers for hands
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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