There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Randomize
