Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
