Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
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