you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Randomize
