So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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