I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Dick very happy bro
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
