Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
