i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
