Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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