Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
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