I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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