Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
