Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
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