Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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