No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
