he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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